My life: injustice, unqualified, and unfrickenbelievable

3 things you should know about MY life these days

1) I am being summoned to court. Not jury duty. No. That's a civilians duty. I have been summoned on March the 25th to the CRIMINAL COURTS OF NEW YORK CITY where I will be representing the waffle truck as we are charged with over $5,000 in fines for parking misdemeanors (none of which have ever happened when I was working and are NOT my fault). I can't get into this too much, because I don't want my fellow phdlitters to be an accomplice to my criminal behavior. All I know is, I am actually not exaggerating about this one. I have a court summons and am a suspected criminal. If I do not show up for court, there will be a warrant for my arrest.

2) I am teaching the following classes that should be of note: improvisation to 8th graders in Harlem who scream "nooooo not her!!!!" when I walk in the room, an URBAN FUNK fitness dance class twice a week to 7th and 8th graders, and...Songwriting to 5th very white fifth graders (several parents have already told me they expect us to write a full length musical. They're serious).

3) Today I was outside in a monsoon. An african american woman and her (well not HER) white 2-year old boy were trying to cross the street. We both fought the monsoon, but because I was not holding a toddler's hand, I was able to keep hold of my umbrella. This woman (who might have been speaking West African or something) lost her umbrella from her hands. [Side note: the umbrella went flying from her hands, into my face, crashing into a taxi cab, to the top of a tree, and then in the middle of a median on broadway and 113th st]. She started saying things to me in her language that I, obviously, didn't understand. I was also confused when she gave me the boy's hand and ran off. I assumed she was going to search for her umbrella. That was in the first 2 minutes. When I had asked Alec (the boy who was 2 and a quarter years old and had a stuffed monkey named Tony with him) almost every question I could think to ask him in the rain, I realized that I was in quite a pickle. What if she never came back? Would I be charged with kidnapping too???? I got nervous . It had been nearly 5 minutes. I saw that the umbrella was gone from the median, but WHERE WAS THE WOMAN. The boy started to cry because he said his feet were wet. Mine were too. So I decided to play peek-a-boo with him, which he LOVED. So...10 mintues. TEN FUCKING MINUTES and IM PLAYING PEEK-A-BOO with a TODDLER in the RAIN who I have just KIDNAPPED and finally, when I was about to call 911 (seriously), the woman shows up. Umbrella in hand and....McDonalds (shout out to Mychal). She ended up giving me a breakfast sandwich and saying "god bless you" maybe 20 times.

Moral of the story: you can serve breakfast to people once a week and become a criminal, it is possible to be paid to teach things that you have NO skill, ability, or experience teaching, and finally, kidnap kids. You get McDonalds.