I've got problems

I've got problems. I need them to go away. I have a charge of $24.99 from Verizon on my credit card. It shouldn't be there. Neither should last month's charge of $24.99. My contract with Verizon High Speed Internet was supposed to end in July, according to my records, and I did not have to call in order to terminate, according to the representative I talked to before this whole fiasco began. The contract was supposed to run out and NOT automatically renew, or so I was told. What a scam. So I make the call.

At first, they have no record of my account number or telephone number. Strange, right? They eventually find it, however, and this is where it gets bad. I explain the situation, sure to note how stunned I am that what is happening now is exactly what I hoped to prevent by calling way back when, before my contract was even up, but the representative says that the only call she sees is one I placed to update my credit card information, which is funny because I updated that using their automated service and then chose to speak with a representative regarding my contract, and during that conversation, I annoyed the representative by repeatedly confirming that I would definitely not have to call again in order to end this contract... have I lost you? I promise I have a point... Anyway, panic sets in. What is my problem! I have lost my breath, now breathing shallow; My voice is quivering, and I sound like a nervous child too young to even be calling about a credit card charge; As usual, my body is also trembling. No joke, I have to wrap myself in my blankets and breathe heavily into a pillow while I wait to be transferred to the supervisor who might be able to refund these charges, because ACTUALLY I was supposed to call to prevent the contract from automatically renewing and even then I had to do it 30 days in advance, so I'm going to be charged another $24.99 in October. I'm convulsing. Do you guys get this anxious about telephone confrontations with Verizon representatives? What is wrong with me? Why does my voice do that? And what the frick is wrong with my body?

In the end, they cancelled my contract and refunded me the $49.98, but I fear it's only because they mistook me for a frightened child and pitied the small voice on the other end of the line. Whatever. It gets worse...

Yesterday, I'm speeding down the Schuylkill Expressway, I take the exit to Mommom's house (the exit is actually labeled "Mommom's House") and my tire starts vibrating and making some noise, it's worsening, even worse now, okay, there's a problem - I pull over on the stupid Expressway, get out and find that I have a flat tire that is literally falling off the car. Fuck. I pull up my hood to conceal my face from the cars speeding by. WTF? I was making record time! Do you know what traffic is like on the Expressway these days? Do you even care? Have I lost you again? Stay with me... I'll skip the details of my long wait for Uncle Mike to come help me - blah, blah, we replace the tire, which is completely worn down to the steel threading, pop on the tiny wheel-barrow tire these hybrids have for spares, and great, all done. But guess what. IT GETS WORSE...

I get in and BAM, battery is dead. I was not meant to leave this highway (nor was I supposed to leave the headlights on for so long...) The Channel 6 chopper flying overhead is surely reporting on the disabled vehicle that has been sitting sideways on the ramp for the past hour - soon to reach two - and the hooded figure that has been scurrying about it. Now Uncle Mike is off to get his truck and cables. In the meantime, I'm cleaning up the funion chips that had long ago fallen from Stephen's mouth and settled into the creases in the seats, and I'm wondering why there are seven bottles of dirty water on the floor in the back... but then! Hark! Poof! Lo and behold! Da-d-d-d-da-da-da-dah! IT GETS BETTER...

A freak tornado funnels out of the sky, a cow floats by, and a strike of lightning hits my engine and starts my car! Just kidding. You still with me? Only a bit more to go, I promise... In reality, I spy a portly man shuffling toward the car, which now has it's hood up to validate it's awkward position here on the ramp. He's struggling to fit a bright orange vest over his sweatshirt, which reads, "I am not A Morning Person." (You know the type - that ridiculous catalog shopper, that is. What is it? Bob's blah blah blah? No doubt he has a "Beach Bum" wife beater in his hamper at home.) Surely it's the afternoon by now, and this man, this sleepy samaritan, offers to jump me. YES!

It turned out to be quick and easy - he only punched me once and took my wallet and then went on his way. Just kidding... but that wouldn't be the first time I've been jumped by a giant in broad daylight.

In reality, he jumped me and didn't charge me, but again, I fear it's only because he took pity on the strangely tall, child-faced boy he happened to find stuck on the side of the road while he was looking for some sucker to charge for a tow to the Pep Boys just 10 minutes away and down the street from Mommom's house.

The moral of this story? A penny saved is a penny earned.

Just kidding - It always gets worse before it gets better.

THE END!